by Margot Carmichael Lester

How many times have you been totally into a guy who seems totally into you, only to have him suddenly tell you he needs more space? What does it mean and what can you do?

"Guys need more space than women," says Mark, 37. "You wouldn't want us if all we wanted was you; you'd think we were too needy. Asking for some space doesn't usually mean anything more than wanting some time to do something on our own."

Sometimes, however, the request does mean something. "If he includes the phrase 'seeing other people,' he's not asking for space," Mark quips, "He's asking for early release. The best thing you can do is to honor his request. Maybe he just wants some time to decide if he's really ready to get serious with you."

A healthy dose of space

That was the case with Joe, 37. "I was totally into Kate," he recalls, "but I wasn't sure I was ready for a serious, adult relationship. So I asked her if we could back off."

Kate, 32, complied. "It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. I didn't want a guy who didn't want a relationship, but I also knew if I wanted a chance with Joe, I'd have to give him some space."

Her move paid off. After four months of not seeing each other, while still trading periodic emails, Joe suggested they meet for coffee. "It was great seeing her, and I decided I wanted to take a step toward dating again ... a baby step."

Today Joe and Kate see each other frequently. "It wouldn't have happened if she'd gotten mad at me for asking for the room. That would have ended it forever."

Dealing with it

How can you avoid being devastated if your guy asks for some space?

"The best thing is always to have a well-rounded, well-developed sense of yourself," counsels psychoanalyst Sheila Newton, PhD, MFT. "If you have your own hobbies, friends and interests, you remain an independent individual with your own life."

Not having a balance between your lives together and apart can be detrimental. "Always being available and too often anticipating the other's needs can cause a sense of smothering and too much familiarity," Newton explains. "There's no mystery, and it robs the other person of the opportunity to do some investing into the relationship."

If you find yourself in a similar situation, Newton offers this advice: "Take a look at the driving need behind wanting to be together all the time, such as being lonely, not wanting to be alone and the big one — fear of abandonment."

The bottom line is that doing things on your own, independent of your relationship, is normal and healthy. It shows you take interest in your own development. Newton says, "If you're not interested in yourself, your partner will lose interest in you rather quickly."